Dear Diary: A Companion Piece to Sitting Tall
by SongsofPsyche1945
Summary: Prequel. Fili and Kili's journal entries throughout the events of Sitting Tall.
1. Chapter 1: Kili

So I have been trying and failing to write a prequel to Sitting Tall that I am happy with. This is not really a prequel, more like a companion piece to the story. I wanted to get more into Kili and Fili's head, since there is so much more room for character development in the story. Go and read SITTING TALL first, and then come back and read this one. Thanks so much, and I hope you like it!

888

Hello there,

I guess I'm talking to this mysterious "Dear Diary" person. Ma gave me this journal (NOT a diary); she said I would need it. But when I asked her what I would need it for she just smiled and then walked away. What is she hiding from me? Anyway, today is my big brother Fili's Birthday. He's coming of age today, a great honor in our society.

I wish he would talk to me. I wish he would let this foolishness go and be the Fili he was before the accident. I know it's because of me he won't speak. Sometimes at night I will my legs to move, to try to get just a toe to wiggle because if I do, I'll be able to walk and then he would talk again. I wish he knew how much he has already helped me. He was the one who designed this chair, after all. It was because of him I could train, fight and even hunt. I still remember the day he gave me the chair; I was sitting in bed with a book, bored out of my mind when suddenly Thorin and Fili came into my room with this odd contraption. It looked like a chair, but it had wheels instead of legs. I remember Thorin smiled at me—the first true smile I had seen since the accident. He put the chair down in front of me, and said "Kili, look what your brother has made you."

I looked at the chair, "What is it?"

"It's something to help you get around. So Dwalin doesn't have to carry you."

I smiled. I remember hating it when Dwalin carried me, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. Dwalin didn't seem to mind though, he always told me jokes and tried to get me to laugh.

Anyway, Thorin helped me up out of the bed and sat me in the chair. I remember feeling excited that I had a little more freedom than I had before.

"See here? Ye' put your hands here on the wheels to roll forward." Thorin explained to me. I tried and I magically felt myself propel forward. Then I realized that if I roll on the left wheel I turn right and if I roll the right wheel I turn left. Soon, I was able to turn myself in a complete circle.

"This is the best gift anyone has ever given me. Thank you so much, Uncle." I said

But Thorin shook his head. "It isn't me you should be thanking. Your brother came up with the idea and I just helped him put it together." He turned towards Fili, who smiled shyly at me.

I reached out to him and took his hand.

"Thank you so so much. You have given me the freedom I would never have had." I told him, hoping that he would see that I was okay, that he would finally speak to me. But he just nodded his head, and smiled that sad smile of his.

Anyway, I better get going. Fili and I are going to walk and roll down to the pond today before the celebrations. Maybe this time I can get him talking.

Wish me luck!

-Kili

888

Please leave me a review and tell me what you think!


	2. Chapter 2: Fili

Dear Journal Person

Hi. This is Fili

I guess I'll just start with my name; I'm Fili.

Ma gave me this journal, as a birthday gift. I think she wants or me to be able to express my thoughts in someway but I've never been good with paper and pen. She worries about me. They all do. I can see it in their eyes when they look at me, hear it in their voices when they speak with me. I think they should be used to my silence by now, it's been almost 30 years since the accident. I can't speak though, I made a vow to myself that I wont utter a single word until Kili walks, and I don't think that's ever going to happen. It was my fault to begin with. I should have been watching him. I should have caught him. I see it in my dreams and it haunts me every night. There is no escape from it. This is my punishment for what I did, and I intend to live it with. Sometimes I wish that they had cast my out when the accident happened, send me away to live in the mountains, banished from Ered Luin forever. Sometimes I wonder why they still have hope for me.

Today is my birthday though, so I should at least pretend to be happy. For them. It's a big one, I'll be coming of age which basically means I can buy ale at the tavern all by myself. Not that I would go there, that place scares me. Even though it's been years, I still feel that lightning strike of fear every time I see men in our village. I don't like being towered over. Even Dwalin, who is taller than most dwarves sometimes still makes me jump, especially when his presence is unexpected. I don't know what stemmed my fear of men-no scratch that. I DO know where it stemmed from but I won't talk—write about it. If I don't think about it, don't write about it then maybe it never happened. Maybe it'll disappear from my mind, along with the buzzing in my chest that never allows me to feel safe.

Don't get me wrong, diary person. I WANT to feel safe, I WANT to forget but I can't. My mind won't let me. The only thing that seems to help me is being with Kili. He's the only one that makes me feel safe enough to let my guard down just a little bit. Even though he can NEVER know what happened. I don't want to burden my little brother with that. He's such a kind, free spirit and I don't want to bring him down. He has enough to worry about as it is.

Anyway, I'm going to head down to breakfast now. I guess I'll talk—write—to you later.

Fili


	3. Chapter 3: Kili

Hi there,

It's me, Kili. Well, I guess it would always just be me, it would be weird if like Dwalin started writing or something.

It's still Fili's birthday, and it was quite fun until Thorin told us about the quest for Erebor. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to be part of the company and I am honored that Thorin picked me but I am worried about Fili. He didn't seem to take the news as well. He seemed more scared than excited. He's different than me; he has to think about things before he does them. That's where he's at right now, thinking by the lake. I wish he didn't have to, I wish he wasn't so scared. He wasn't always like this; I still remember what he was like before the accident. He was carefree and adventurous. We shared a room back then and would spend all night talking. After the accident we had to make some changed thought. They turned our playroom into my bedroom, because it was on the first floor and moved Fili up to the attic loft. I don't think Fili minded too much, but it made me sad to not have him for a roommate.

I remember this one time before the accident where we were playing hide and go seek, and I could not find him, he was so clever. I even got Ori and Dwalin involved in the game, we spent half the afternoon looking for him when we realized that he had spent the entire time in the trees, jumping from branch to branch like a monkey, following us around and laughing. Even after the accident, we would have fun together and even though he wasn't talking then. We had this bit where I would distract Ma from the kitchen and he would run in and grab as many cookies from the jar as possible. Then we would go down to the lake and eat them, giving the crumbs to the birds. It was great fun, but even that stopped. I guess we grew up.

I think things got really rough for Fili, after the accident. Most of Ma and Thorin's attention was directed on me, because of my injuries, and Fili was just kind of left in the background. It wasn't until 6 months after the accident did Thorin really express a concern for Fili. I remember he called in doctors from all over Ered Luin to try to figure out why Fili wasn't talking. No one could figure it out. Thorin finally found someone who could help—a woman from Gondor. He was a little leary of her at first. I remember listening to him complain about her to my mother (my room is right next to the kitchen and I can hear everything that goes on). Thorin has always been leery of men, mainly because they are not dwarves, but I remember thinking that this woman was the best thing for Fili. I even met her; she wanted to meet with everyone in the house before she met Fili. She very pretty, with deep hazel eyes and she was tall, and she kept her hair cut short. She said it was because it got in the way, and I thought it was odd that she purposefully cut it. I would never cut my hair! Anyway, she told us that Fili what she called "Selective Mutism" which means he can speak, but because of a traumatic event (my falling) he can't. She told it was competently reversible with the right conditions, and said it was best if we just supported him. So that's what we've been trying to do, but it has been almost thirty years since Fili has spoken a word. Sure, he can write well and read but he never says anything. Or smiles. Or laughs. Something else happened to him, something besides my accident. I know it did. It was summer of the year Fili turned twenty. That's when the change happened. He starting flinching away from anyone—including me—who got too near him or tried to touch him and he spent long hours in his room, or in the tree house hiding from all of us. That was also the last summer he spent working in Thorin's shop as his apprentice. After that summer, he refused to go anywhere near it. I don't know what happened. Nobody would tell me. Not even Ma or Thorin. I wish they did, I wish they could trust me. I could have helped.

It's been about a half an hour since Fili ran out of the house. I think I'll go find him now.

-Kili


End file.
